Our society has trained us to believe that we should be concerned with the physical attraction more than anything else. According to society, as long as the physical attraction is present, little else matters. The result is a conquest for the one who is the most outwardly beautiful person you can find. After all, when was the last time the hero of the movie rode off into the sunset with an ‘ugly” girl? But again, we must consider what the purpose of dating is, and what the constraints of dating are along with the desires of our flesh. Because our flesh desires a physical relationship, and a physical relationship cannot be legitimately accomplished outside of marriage, we must ensure that we take every step possible to prevent the possibility of sin. In Romans 13:14, Paul tells us to, “…put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.” Contemporary dating (where you have two people off alone together, who have been taught that anything they want to do is ok), is a recipe for failure. This style of dating not only creates a provision for sin, but it encourages the sins.

As we search through the Scriptures, we do not see an example of contemporary dating. It just was not practiced in Bible times. Does this mean that we do not see a standard? No. We must consider what the process of dating (courtship, betrothal, fishing or whatever you want to call it) is all about. What are these traditions and practices for? They should all have one common end: marriage. However, contemporary dating has become a social rite more than a process for determine God’s plan for a mate in your life. People ‘date’ now for companionship, to be a part of the crowd, or just because it is expected of them. Along with this casual attitude toward dating, there is also a casual attitude toward physical immorality. Unfortunately, physical contact and the physical immorality have become an expected part of dating.

Because dating is for one specific purpose, finding a mate, you should not consider dating until you are ready for all of the responsibilities that go along with marriage. That is, you should not start dating until you are physically, financially and emotionally ready to get married and have children. Some people try to assign a certain age to dating. Some say as old as eighteen, other people allow their children to date when they are as young as twelve or thirteen. There is no hard and fast rule in the Word of God concerning the age one should start dating. The qualifications mentioned above are merely signposts which point to one of the key qualifications: maturity. There are many other aspects to maturity to consider. I know, we are talking about dating and purity, not having children, but the goal of dating is marriage and the goal of marriage is having children. So, until you are ready to have children you should not consider dating. Your focus should be on God and God’s plan for your life. As you begin looking for the person with which you will spend the rest of your life, you will want to find someone you will love and who will love you. If you expect to find love, you must be saved and you must be looking for someone who is saved.

1 John 4:7-8 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. (8) He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, (23) Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Many people have a mistaken outlook on love. Yes, there are many people who claim to love. Perhaps they have lived with their spouse for decades. This is a choice they have made, but it is not the real love that springs forth from the Spirit of God. They believe love is something everyone is capable of. This simply is not true. Love is of God. Galatians 5:22 tells us that love is one of the fruits of the Spirit of God. If one is not saved, he cannot know what real love is about and he cannot show real love.

After you are saved, you need to ensure your walk with the Lord is as close and vibrant as it can be. Aside from the decision to be saved, the most important decision you will make is choosing the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. You do not want anything hindering your relationship with the Lord. So, you must have a consistent habit of dealing with any sin in your life. You must be clean!

Dating is just one aspect of your life. As with every aspect of your life, you need to obey the leading of the Lord. The Lord never has, and never will lead you down a path that is not best you. If you trust God and allow Him to lead you, He will show you the best person at the best time for you to look for someone. The relationship will prosper, and the two of you will have great joy in serving each other as well as in serving God. If you do not obey God, you may miss out on the best God has for you and the consequences could be severe.

Proverbs 3:5-10: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

God’s plan is simply the best plan for us to live by, and in His plan, He has chosen the perfect mate for us. We get in trouble when we think we know more about what is best for us than God does and we get in trouble when we think we know the timing for our life better than the Lord. We tend to rely on our own logic or reason; we trust the people around us instead of turning to God for the answers to our questions. God is not only ready to guide us, but He is also anxious to do so.

In addition to trusting the Lord with the decisions of when to date and who to date, you should also consider the advice of your authorities. Your parents have tremendous insight into the people you may bring home. Mothers can look at a girl and see through the polite attitude and pretty face down to the heart of the girl. They can tell you if you have fallen for the wrong type of girl, or confirm that the girl you are interested in is a good choice. Fathers can also help their daughters in the same kind of way. They understand what is in the heart and mind of the young men, and how the intentions for the innocent young girl are not so innocent. In addition to this, your parents can also give you a way of escape from someone who may not be right for you. Since their authority is final, if they say you should not see someone, the discussions is settled. You do not need to worry about explaining why you cannot see the person again, just that you honor your parents, and they have said no. In addition to their experiences, parents also have been given wisdom from God. If they are following God, they are also praying for you as well as praying for the wisdom to train and protect you. God will answer these prayers. This is just one reason why the young person should be praying for his parents. He should be praying for his parents to have that wisdom and discernment as well as the backbone to use it.

Your pastor or youth pastor will also have a lot of insight into the person you are considering. In most cases, they know more about the potential date than you do. They may have access to information about them that you do not. In fact, they may even have counseled with the person you are considering, or even with the last person they dated. They may know more about the other person’s parents than you do. They may know that the family of the person you are dating simply has different standards. They may even know things about you that may make you unsuitable for the person you are considering. They will counsel you in how to discern who is a good choice and who is not. If you are ready to look for someone, they may even be able to direct you toward someone you have not even considered. Your pastor or youth pastor is a valuable wealth of information, and you should rely on them. In addition to all of these things, your pastor and youth pastor are your under-shepherds, ordained by God to be your leaders. You are obligated to honor and follow them in much the same way as you are to follow your parents.

When you get all of this advice, compare it to Scripture. If, for example, your parents tell you physical contact is acceptable before you are married, you must take that advice in the light of Scripture that tells you that fornication is a sin. If the advice you are given is contrary to the Scripture, in any way, you must discard it in light of the Scripture. Hopefully, the advice you get will be confirmed by Scripture. In this case, the advice becomes reinforcement for the Scripture. In either case, the Scripture is the final authority. The Bible, God’s Word to us, is completely without error. In addition to this, the Bible is a living text. That is to say that God uses It, in ways that we cannot understand, to lead us. God uses It to guide us in our daily lives. However, to see and take advantage of this guidance, you must walk with God. You cannot just use the Word of God when you feel like it; you must learn and know the Word. You must study and meditate on the Word on a daily basis. As we have already discussed, your relationship with God is more important than anything else. You cannot sacrifice your relationship with God and expect to be successful.

Gen 2:24: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

In the Garden of Eden, God created the first family as well as the institution of marriage. Since then, mankind has used a variety of means to put two young people together in marriage. Dating is often used as one of those methods. When we consider the totality of dating, or courting, or whatever you want to call it, we must look at each of the individual aspects of dating. The first aspect of a proper relationship that we need to consider is the relationship with God. God’s thoughts are of us. Consider:

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

This passage shows us that God’s thoughts are continually upon us, that God’s thoughts of us are more numerous than the sand. When the dating or courting relationship takes ones focus off of God, it is improper. God clearly has instructed us that He is to always be at the forefront of our lives. Anything that takes away from God’s preeminence in our lives is simply a sin. In Deuteronomy 4:24 we are warned that God is jealous of anyone or anything that takes away from His Glory. The next two passages to consider tell us that we should be wholly consumed with the service of God. Nothing should stand in the way of this service.

Mark 12:29-30 “And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.”

Rom 12:1-2 “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

The two passages above are in sharp contrast to all-consuming types of relationships we see today. In modern dating, the focus is on self. Even though it may appear that the partner is in upon a pedestal, this is only as a tool to gain one’s own self-satisfaction. Even in the rare case where one truly has the good of the partner at heart, that partner may still be elevated above God. Anytime anything is elevated above God, it becomes a god itself and it is wrong. Even before one should consider dating, he must make absolutely sure that he is completely willing to be a sacrifice for God. It is only when one reaches this level of service to God that he should consider dating. Next, one must consider his relationship with his parents. In an improper dating relationship, the partner will take precedence over the parents. Often one will convince the other to do things that his or her parents would not approve. In many cases, parents may not even approve of the partner or the relationship. In these cases, the parents must always have the final word. In a proper dating relationship, the parents have full knowledge of everything that goes on, and they will approve of it. This does not mean that one who has ungodly parents who approve of an immoral activity has freedom to participate in the immoral activity. In fact, parents who are out of the will of God may take little or no role in the courting relationship. However, the approval one’s Godly parents is one key ingredient in the mix that makes a proper courtship.

Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

Quite simply, parents may elect not to choose your friends, but they have the authority of God to exercise veto power over any potential friend. On a more practical point, parents know and understand a teen’s feelings. Believe it or not, parents were once also teens. Not only do they know what a teen is thinking and feeling, but parents can see things about the potential date that you may not see. Parents also understand your date’s feelings and desires. Parents may recognize danger signs that you do not see, and it is the parents’ responsibility to protect you from these dangers. Young ladies should rely on their dads and young men should rely on their mothers. In both cases, the parents have an insight into how your date thinks. They can see and understand things to which the teen may be blinded. Of course, anyone looking at a potential spouse should also look to the pastor and his wife for advice. The pastor will have insight into things about the potential spouse that no one else can see. There may be situations which are not public, situations only the pastor knows, which may disqualify the potential mate. The pastor and his wife should also be able to provide good counsel for the young person who does not have Godly parents in the home. One also needs to be aware of how he can defraud his parents or his date’s parents. This is truer with the ladies than the men, but it does apply to both. As we progress through this study, we will bring out several aspects of the wedding ceremony also. In this case, there is a point in the ceremony where the preacher asks something like, “Who gives this bride?” Why does the preacher ask this question? The answer is simple. Children are a gift from God, but not so much a gift as a loan. Children are given to parents to instruct and train in the things of God. Parents are responsible to bring their children to the point where they are ready to form their own home and have their own children. At the point of marriage, the man becomes the head of a new home, answering to the Lord. Ladies, in God’s order, become the queen of the home. They are in a place of honor but the husband is the head of the home. At this point in the wedding, the father will literally give his daughter to her future husband. If, up to this point, the girl has given her affection or loyalty to anyone other than her parents and the Lord, she has defrauded them. She has literally stolen those affections from her father and given them to another. Likewise, she has stolen purity from her husband. Next, one must to consider his relationship to his future spouse. There are many aspects of this relationship to consider, but let’s focus on two: the physical and the emotional. In any relationship, there is an emotional bond that is constructed. If the relationship is not the one God has intended, that emotional bond will be broken and emotional scarring will take place. Every time an emotional bond is created and broken, the emotional scarring weakens the strength of the next bond. Not only is each subsequent emotional bond weakened, but also relationships become easier to end. The first breakup is gut-wrenching. The second breakup is not as bad and the trend continues until breakups become easy. Some Christians, including myself, relate contemporary dating as practice for divorce. Contemporary dating simply makes the process of ending a relationship too easy. Finally, when you find the right person, any little dispute will seem to be large enough to end the relationship. My belief is that the advent of contemporary dating combined with the explosion of sexual immorality are two of the major causes of the dramatic increase in the rate of divorces in the United States. Improper dating also creates a physical desire. A desire to express affection physically is natural, and is a gift from God. But, the expression of this gift is restricted to the bounds of marriage. Outside of marriage, the romantic expression of affection physically is illegitimate. Any physical contact between a two people who are romantically involved causes feelings of desire that cannot be legitimately fulfilled outside of marriage. Because a desire that cannot be legitimately fulfilled outside of marriage is created, that contact is a sin. This is not to say that any contact between a man and a woman is illegitimate. The contact itself it not wrong. However, within the context of a dating couple, physical contact creates a strong temptation to sin if not the sin itself. Remember: the desire to have something you cannot have is lust. 1Corinthians 7:1-2 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. (2) Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Paul is quite clear: except for his wife, a man should not touch a woman because it creates an atmosphere for fornication. With regard to a dating couple, they already desire physical contact. If you add some contact, the sexual process is started. If physical affection is shared, and it is not in the proper context of marriage, then the true spouse is defrauded. Affection that was intended for him or her is taken away.

1 Corinthians 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Exodus 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

1 Corinthians 6:13 Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.

Illegitimate contact during a dating relationship can also spoil the physical relationship that will ultimately take place in marriage. There are a couple of possible reasons for this: The first is that there will always be a desire for bigger and better physical relations. As two people become more familiar and more comfortable with each other they will expand all aspects of their relationship. If either person is “practiced” in the physical aspects, he or she will have something to compare to in the marriage, and the marriage may never seem adequate. I am also convinced that God will deprive a couple of some degree of physical pleasure if they come to their marriage impure. Whichever of these theories is true, neither will take place if you approach the marriage with a pure heart and body.